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The Beak - Trick or Tweet

We have a new addition to our Protoblogger family. Please welcome 'The Beak', a blog told from the point of view of a real teacher's pet. The Beak is a Moluccan Cockatoo, brought into a small primary school in Wandsworth. He doesn't like children very much and is quite cynical about education having taught himself everything he knows.

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I’m stuck on top of the photocopier in the school office today as its Halloween and Deputy Head Mr. Steven’s come as a pirate. More like a Pizza Express chef if you ask me. I can tell Secretary Gladys is not best impressed with having a bird in her way. She’s slightly undermined by her sparkly witch hat which also makes her cross.

Getting creative

Among the countless pillowcase ghosts and little witches our Very Small James has been sent in done up as a Lobster by Mummy who wants to show off her craft skills before the Christmas Fair. It’s surprisingly important to establish oneself as a creative within the PTA. I think he looks like a prawn and he'll be a prime target for Fat James who incidentally has come as fat Harry Potter. Very Small James can't move his feet properly- it’s an accident waiting to happen. Despite the added padding he'll be found snivelling outside the office at break time whilst Gladys reluctantly fetches him an icepack wrapped in blue roll. Fat James will go all beetroot faced and blame one of the Year 5 girls for teasing him.

I hate Halloween

All of them, hopped up on sugar, tearing round the playground screeching. Incidentally, Gregory's also ended up outside the office having banged heads with Andrew. Andrew having the harder head is still outside kicking stuff. Gladys has run out of icepacks so Greg's clutching an ice pop to the cartoon bump growing at an alarming rate on his temple. He’s surrounded by 8 year olds, earnestly telling their eye witness accounts of the incident, insisting that their presence is very important to their friend's wellbeing. Nevertheless, they are collectively shooed outside so Gladys can call the mother to explain and reassure.

Desk drawers

Gladys' desk is pretty untidy for someone you could imagine was once the Head Girl at school. She has this photo of a really ugly white cat on her desk that wears the dangerously serene expression of a hardened catnip abuser. In her desk drawer is that really rude book Fifty Shades. I can tell it’s really rude because once that nice Miss Laura came in to borrow the school scissors and got so flustered she dropped them on her ballet pump, bruising her big toe. (These scissors are attached to a wooden block covered in felt tip threats for any potential thieves.) Anyway, I have a feeling that Mr Gladys' monocle would pop right out into his single malt whiskey if he knew what his lovely wife was up to at those book club evenings. What on earth would Richard and Judy say? 

Now he's showing everyone in the office (for the benefit of Admin Girl) Lucy's progress.

Comic Sans

Year 3 Lucy has written a poem about unicorns and her teacher Mr Donald has come to use the photocopier. He's been doing that an awful lot today and I think it’s to do with the new admin girl. Now he's showing everyone in the office (for the benefit of Admin Girl) Lucy's progress. For a child who couldn't even hold a pencil the right way up at the beginning of term I suppose getting to grips with our stone-age computers is some kind of achievement. Admin Girl glances over and sort of smiles so now Mr Donald's all puffed up and starting to properly show off. Yes he’s has enjoyed Lucy's use of repetition (horned horse, horse with a horn, my unicorn etc.) he is not sure of her choice of font. I would've thought that this is about the ONLY time Comic Sans is acceptable, when a seven year old writes a poem about unicorns.

I would've thought that this is about the ONLY time Comic Sans is acceptable, when a seven year old writes a poem about unicorns.

On the floor again

My cage has been relegated to the floor and I’m just about level with his ankle in its bright yellow sock. Does he really think all these comedy socks will give him personality? Still, better keep schtum, keep my beak to myself. No one wants to hear what a bird has to say these days. More likely to get a tea-towel thrown at you and find yourself getting sleepy, all alone in the dark again.

Had a pet on your classroom? Let us know on Facebook or email Megan at

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Tags: Protocol Education, The Beak, Classroom, pet, Teacher, Halloween,

Category: Australian Teachers

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